Ripped And Torn At The Seams

The Heiress, The Liar, and The True Story

Beaten, battered, broken.

Dress torn, innocence lost, dreams stolen.

The Cinderella story is make believe,

But this is real, unrelenting deceit.  

She seems to recall being told that she was special, that she was priceless.

But everywhere she turns she hears the word 'worthless.'

He said that it's because she was His that she would be so viciously hated.

But someone else says it's her own fault that she's insulted and berated. 

There's that truth manipulated with a lie again. 

On her own there is nothing but a helpless, shell of a woman. 

And that's where the Liar would like to leave the story.

But grace brings restoration which transforms the broken into glory.

When the necklace was pulled and the pearls hit the floor

He wept with you, and promised you'd be restored. 

Bring you into wholeness, and adorn your head with a crown.

You'll kneel at His feet and lay it all down. 

That's the beauty of the reward. 

When it's given, it will be ignored.

Thrown aside by the wonder of His presence. 

Which completely overshadows the sufferings of the present. 

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

l   Post title inspiration: "Pendulum"  -Embodyment  l

We Share a Name, We Share a Wonder

I've had a bit of a mini-revelation start forming in my mind over the last few days/weeks. There's a book I really want to start reading called Sacred Marriage, and the tag line sums up exactly what I've been thinking/feeling for a while now:

The idea started to bloom in my mind when I was in a worship service several weeks ago now. Our marriage had been at a really rough point for a few months, and to be honest I was completely at the end of my rope. I had been sick and I was exhausted emotionally and physically. Both Steve and I had really been struggling with sin problems and were fighting constantly. 

I literally heard the Lord speak these words directly into my heart:

"Your marriage isn't about your loyalty to your husband.  

It's about your loyalty to ME." 

Man alive---that changed my entire attitude. Taking that a step further, any opposition to that is directly caused by sin nature and the influence of the Enemy.  

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

Satan wants to steal the joy out of my life and my marriage. He wants to kill the love and destroy the hope for a future. And more than anything, He wants to separate me from intimacy with the Lord. This makes me angry. Bloody angry. 

When I consider that everything marriage-related is directly related to my relationship with the Lord it makes me want to selflessly submit to my husband with love, respect, and ((most of all)) kindness. 

I have a feeling I'm not done with this revelation. 

Stay tuned for a possible sequel. 

l   Post title inspiration: "Colors"  -The Rocket Summer   l

We Live and We Learn, Crash and We Burn

-- Questions concerning beauty and what it is. --

I wonder if you're pretty when you're not all done up?

Beneath the makeup and the pinned up hair?

Without the heals and the high fashion,

Is there really anything beautiful there?

Do you have a heart of gold? 

Do you care for the widow, the orphan, the voiceless?

Or has virtue grown old?

Is compassion a trend that is so last year?

Do I really believe that beauty is a matter of the soul?

Or have I let myself be defined by this plastic world?

If charm is deceptive am I the biggest fraud of them all?

Why do we grasp at straws to hold onto something that is so quickly fleeting?

Is what I see the mirror the same picture 

That the Lord sees when He looks at my heart? Or worse? 

How long have I allowed vanity to reign as victor?

Where to start cutting through the vines?

If I come to you Lord, will You weed through them for me?

Can I come to you broken and be made into something glorious?

Is it possible to move past all this intentional injury?

To forsake all others and find worth in You alone? 

l   Post title inspiration: "Hide Nothing"  -Further Seems Foreverl

Something To Believe In

Wild Child

If I were a wildflower 

You would know precisely where I was.

You would walk to my exact location, 

bend down, and pluck me out of the ground.

You would examine me, 

declare that I am beautifully 

and wonderfully made,

place me in Your pocket and 

continue Your stroll. 

I would not question Your choice. 

I would not list my endless flaws, 

nor would I compare myself with 

the other flowers You have made.

 I would know that a wildflower is supposed 

to be unique and possess a distinctive beauty 

all their own.

But I am not a wildflower. 

I am a person. A woman. A girl.

I fail to recognize that it is 

You who has sought after me.

You, who has designed me and who delights in me.

You, who has picked me up, 

placed me in Your pocket 

and declared that I am Your's. 

He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. 2 Samuel 22:20

The LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love. Psalm 147:11

 l   Post title inspiration: "Something To Believe In" 

- The Ramones   l

Defy Explanation

"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln

I am: a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, an aunt(!), a sister in law, a daughter in law, an employee, a supervisor, a foodie, a barista, a writer. Daughter of a King.

I'm pretty much always on a path of learning who I am and what I wish to be. I guess it's called growth. The question has
been answered so many times: "to live is Christ, to die is gain" my identity is in Him. This said, I can't help but think on it some more. Why has God given me suchnsuch desires, how can I live without holding anything back?

One of my greatest goals in life has always been to be genuine. It grieves me so much to see people put on a facade for fear of being real. Somedays the 'real me' isn't very pretty, but how can we as the body of Christ step in to edify and uplift each other if we aren't honest with our failures? And isn't that the point of sanctification? To be purified more and more until eternity? My goal is to walk with the Lord so frequently, to stay in step with Him so much so that my transparency yields only fruit.

Until then however, I will remain honest with my shortcomings and I will embrace the characteristics that make me hold out for true integrity. This is where I gain strength: there is no such thing as being too vulnerable, for when we are weak His power is made perfect:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

l   Post title inspiration: "Pure Imagination" - Willy Wonka   l

Small Seeds Gracefully Do Grow

For my beloved Gram. 

Still Your Mercy Remains

What is this I have become? 
Just a scared child who has run,
From the truth because freedom is frightening, it is
Easier to wallow in the mire than to learn something new.
What to do with hands that used to be bound?
Skin that has grown around shackles mourns when they go,
And so I continue returning to the evil I know.


The topic of conversation the other night revolved around what to do when people who have been set free continue to dredge up issues that the Lord has already delivered us from. We all do it. I do it almost everyday, over issues I know I have supposedly given to the Lord. Why is it that some issues are so easily forgotten, and then some, ones we have been 'delivered' from long ago stick around and have to be dealt with time and time again? I know, although I don't like to admit it, that the pain is comforting. In a weird, self-deprecating way I enjoy having the excuse, because I'm the only person in the whole entire world who has ever had issues. Right.

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. - C.S. Lewis

Light My Way

The other night the Lord gave me a neat word picture I would like to share: I was praying for a friend of mine, praying that the Lord would focus on her, shine His love upon her and directly connect with her heart, like a beam of light focusing from afar. The word “spotlight” came to mind and it perfectly describes what I meant; I couldn’t help but think on it a bit more.

      I.     Light gives heat, especially focused light, such as a spotlight. One of the best feelings in the world is to lay out in the sun and feel it’s warmth. That’s what it feels like to bask in the Lord’s love. It is freeing, releasing, comforting and peaceful. Satisfying and breathtaking. I want everyone to experience the joy this brings, and this is what I was originally praying about for my friend.

    II.     A spotlight is impossible to miss. I want the Lord to be real and powerful in my friend’s life in a way she has never known.

  III.     A spotlight gives distinct focus and direction. It is God-to-person. His love, focusing intently on a specific individual. 

 IV.      Light allows things to melt.  A dish of butter set in direct sunlight will begin to soften, just as a hardened heart begins to soften when the Lord’s love is fixed upon it.

   V.     Light brings sight. Some imperfections are difficult to see unless analyzed underneath a light. Sin goes unnoticed when we are walking in the darkness, but when the Lord shines His light, we are able to see. Even our smaller inconsistencies, like a bad attitude or unwise choices, are pointed out when we are put under the spotlight. Sometimes we need to pray that the Lord will shed light on these areas that we remain blind to.

I like when the Lord gives me a specific phrase to pray to Him because, frankly, it cuts out me having to find ways to explain it. It sounds lazy but since He knows our thoughts anyway it makes sense to me to have certain code words with Him so I can just cut to the chase. From now on I will see a person, or think of someone I want to pray for and simply be able to say “spotlight” and He will know what I mean: shine Your love into their life. I think I may even dedicate a “spotlight” page in the journal for a list of people to consistently pray for the Lord’s impact.

On a slightly similar note, lately I've been looking at modern lighting fixtures for the dining room in our soon-to-be new house. Is this not the most beautiful pendant light you  have ever seen in your life?

Is $200 too much to spend on a lighting fixture? Because I need it.

Losing Sleep

I sleep-wrote this the other night. I remember waking up around 3 and writing, but I don't recall what I wrote. I was cleaning out some files the other day and stumbled upon it. I like it.

Darkness Does Not Hide The Light

There is light, whilst the city sleeps

It hangs mid-air, suspended in the skies

Spoken words may echo in the silence

A vacant mind bares a good disguise

The Darkness cannot hide the Light

For though they are opposite they need one another to endure

Desolation does not disable Truth

For how do we know goodness without the impure?

Spirit, Take Me Up In Arms With You

That's my very favorite Switchfoot lyric, and, if you may not have noticed, all my blog titles---ever---are lyrics. This one so perfectly describes my relationship with the Lord right now.

Lately He has been showing me a lot about contentedness, and how to enjoy each minute. So many days I am in a rush to get through the day, week, month, season. I'm always looking into the future and thinking about what I'll do for God then. Over and over lately He has been showing me that bringing glory to His name is what I do here and now. Relevant Magazine featured an article this past month about God's will for our lives and how we get so caught up in the "What's God's will for my life?" question that we forget to live for Him in the present. Here's an excerpt:

It really makes me breath a deep, refreshing sigh of relief. 

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." 1st Tim 6:6

One of my all-time favorite books is Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. I first read it about 6 years ago and it's one of those books that I can pick up again and again and find new relevance to. It seriously transformed the way I view Christianity. The Lord wants us to enjoy Him. What a gracious, generous God we serve, that we are encouraged to live life to the fullest by the means of diving deeper into His presence and the manifestation of His glory. When I consider this I am so content living a modest life doing meager things in order to saturate myself in Him. 

The other pivotal thing the book taught me was that almost everything we do can be an act of worship. From work to play to enjoying nature, to eating to physical relations with our spouse. Yes I went there. The Lord is the Creator of our senses and He is to be magnified when we appreciate them in the matter of which He has intended, exclamation point, exclamation point!

"The Lord is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." (DWYL)

A few moments that I enjoyed today: 

1.) A very delicious cup of soup in my new Caribou mug.

2.) The companionship of my husband and the way he looks at me with adoration I know I don't deserve. 

3.) The first day of near 60 degree weather!

4.) Quiet moments at night like this one.

5.) Finding the perfect gift for a friend and the anticipation of her reaction, even if I have to wait 4 months to give it to her.

6.) Going to work after a day off and feeling glad to be back and grateful that I missed it after just one day.

7.) Excitement over a dinner party tomorrow and spending time with friends over yummy food.

8.) Finally finding a few houses on the market in our price range that are structurally sound and move-in ready.

I hope that over the next few months I will be able to identify more and more the little victories each day that the Lord has gifted me with. I want to cultivate a grateful heart.

And Then Your Glory Came

Something wonderful happens when you pray lines of scripture. There are a few key phrases that I do consider ‘mine’ so to speak and I use them in daily conversation with the LORD, most of them are from my favorite chapters and the ones I am most familiar with (Psalm 73, Isaiah 43, Psalm 139, Romans 8). I definitely don't have all these memorized word for word, and in many cases I had to look up the reference. The point is merely to embrace a phrase and bless the LORD with it. This is probably the only area that I don’t mind when a verse is taken out of context, because it’s used only for the purpose of dialogue. I do so because a particular phrase really puts into words what I feel, but I can’t otherwise articulate. Somehow, praying phrases that people like David also prayed seems sort of magical and moves me. These are my favorites, some of them are intended to be myself, to the LORD and some of them are Him, to His People (i.e. Isaiah 43).

Whom have I in heaven but YOU?

And Earth has nothing I desire besides YOU.

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

But God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25-26)

*side note, I pray this verse almost daily as it has changed my life, I consider it to be my ‘life verse’*

The LORD is my strength and my song. (Ps 118:14) 

You are my hiding place and my shield. (Psalm 119:114)

            In Your presence there is fullness of joy. (Ps 16:11)

Oh taste and see that the LORD is good. (Ps 34:8)

But in all these things

we overwhelmingly conquer. (Rom 8:37)

You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps 139:13-14)

What is man that you thought of him? (Ps 8:4)

But You, Oh LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. (Ps 3:3)

The LORD, He is the One who goes before You.

  He is with You, He will never leave you or forsake You. (Deu 31:8)

No temptation has overtaken you except which is common to man. (Cor 10:13)

…the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the GLORY THAT IS ABOUT TO BE REVEALED TO US. (Rom 8:18)

 Even the darkness is not dark to you. (Ps 130:12)    

Search me Oh God and know my heart. (Ps 139: 23)

Make Your ways known to me. (Ps 25:4)  For You I wait all day. (Ps 25:5)

The steps of a man are established by the LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, for the LORD is the One who holds his hand. (Ps 37:23-24)

When you walk through the waters I will be with you, when you walk through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When You walk through the fire you will not be burned for I am the LORD Your God. (Isaiah 43; paraphrased)

My Melancholy Baby

A new Haiku that I wrote, it sounds depressing, but it's actually supposed to be victorious.

Dark and Dreary

Angry And Bitter

Many Souls Dark and Dreary

Will Remain That Way

Few Rise To Vanquish

Some See The Silver Lining

And Go On To Love

Fly:Away

I have always loved to write, and poetry is usually the way my thoughts are best described. I have decided to start posting some of my favorites on here. This is something I wrote just a few days ago that explains the relationship I have with my Creator. Its kind of a cause and effect type of piece, the first being before and the latter is after.

Fly : Away

Fly

I dream of flying above the city skyline.

I want to see the sights above the traffic lights.

Sweep me off my feet.

I want to be where fear of man does not hold me back.

I will jump and not think twice.

There is no room for the faint of heart.

Take me where the sky and sea meet.

Reaching farther, grasping higher.

Reveal to me with brilliant clarity.

Transcendence is my desire.

Away

Shed the baggage, abandon the fright.

There is nothing to hide in the dead of night.

On the wings of The Most High

I see things more clearly.

Perplexed that in the Face of Glory

It is not shame that I feel, but love.

With no one but You to impress

All else fades to grey.

Remarkably calm in Your presence.

Everything changes when You take me away.

Here's My Hand Not Words Said Desperatly

Last summer when I was in South Africa, I found myself sitting in a bus on my way to Durban. Next to me was seated a very beautiful Indian woman (Durban has a huge population of Indian people since they are just across the Indian ocean). The woman was on the phone and was clearly upset.

After hanging up the phone, and what felt like an eternity of me debating if I should say something, I asked her if I could pray for her. She started crying and told me all about the situation. She then asked me how it is possible to forgive someone who has wronged you repeatedly. This spurred a discussion about beliefs and the woman told me she was Hindu. I listened intently as she told me all about her life, how she was engaged to a white South African who came from a 'christian' background and he wanted to raise their children the same way. She then asked me something I still don't have an answer for. She asked me how she could simply switch gods. I was taken aback. Before I had time to mull over what she said she started talking about how she "knows that they're all the same, but I just feel like I would be betraying my Hindu god by starting to pray to yours".

What do you say to that?

a.) I don't agree with what she said. I believe there is a distinct difference between our God and the gods of other religions, Jesus Christ being the critical difference. If I believe Jesus is the only way to be saved (as the bible states) clearly any religion lacking Jesus' shed blood does not have the same god as we do.

b.) She went on to say that she knows her god(s) have heard her in times of need, she felt a presence and saw a difference. What can you credit to that? That it was who God heard her and in His compassion helped?

Clueless about Hinduism I held my tongue. As we approached our stop I simply told her that I believe what the Bible says about Jesus Christ being the only way the only truth and the only life. I told her to read the Word of God and that I would continue to pray that she finds her answers. I left it at that.

After getting off the bus and explaining the conversation we had to the members of my missions group, one of the members really balked at what we had been talking about, they were actually quite angry with me for not debating with her more. That, in my opinion, would've been a mistake. This woman was upset. She didn't need me to self-righteously debate theology with her. She needed a friend.

So many times we push theology unabashedly onto people who disagree and this leaves them offended and hurt. (I know I am guilty of this repeatedly) This doesn't show the love of Jesus Christ. We need to meet people where they're at. We need to put down our facade and admit that we're all in the same boat. I am reminded of the powerful Emery lyrics that talk exactly about this:

"It is all the same thing.

We are all the same people.

With sinning hearts that make us equal.

Here's my hand, not words said desperately.

It is not our job to make anyone believe."

That last line I want engraved on my eyelids. I don't care what race you are, what your sexuality is, what political party you align yourself with and what religion you claim (or lack thereof). We are all the same people. We are all sinners and we are all in need salvation. Now, I would like to state, to any agnostics or apathetic people out there: I am sorry. Sincerely, and utterly sorry for any way you have been put off by religion and 'christians' in general. I vow to do my best to reverse the damage and it starts right here. Its about love for people.